Photo by Kelly Hafermann
My kids are great. No, really great. As in gushing teachers, awards, nominations for leadership stuff…I get stopped all the time by people who’ve interacted with them and told how great they are. It’s almost annoying.
And I’m not bragging because I don’t actually think I did much to make them that way. I think they showed up pretty great and I’ve spent most of my time just trying to not screw them up.
One of my best friends is a behavior specialist. She’s the person I’ve always called when I thought I needed help, so the credit should really go to her. And lots of reading. Then more reading.
Here’s what I’ve learned so far:
1 – Be honest.
My husband and I communicate a lot with each other and our kids. Face to face, text, email, we communicate. We have always been honest with our kids. If we don’t know something, we tell them. We also tell them they need to be honest with us, because we will eventually find out anyways, and it will be much worse if it happens that way….
Right now, I am working on an issue with our teenage son…basically it’s about priorities. I’ve tried several different things. I’m out of ideas. So we talked. I said he needs to get this figured out, and I don’t know how to get through to him how important it is, so now he needs to come up with some solutions.
He didn’t. He got behind in a few things. He had to stay up really late a few nights in a row and turn in work he wasn’t proud of. He suddenly figured it out. So we discussed it and now he has his priorities in order. His way.
But we communicated, honestly, through the whole process.
2 – Communicate. See above.
It’s okay to not have all the answers. I communicate a lot by asking questions. It keeps me from talking “at” people instead of “to” them.
“How do you feel about that”, “Why do you think you made that choice?”, “How would you have done things differently?”, “Do you know I love you?”, “Do you know I think you’re awesome?”….you get it.
3 – Model, Model, Model.
You want your kids to make their bed. Do you make yours?
You want your kids to write thank-you cards. Do they see you writing thank you cards?
You want your kids to study and get good grades. Do they see you working and learning and growing….instead of watching TV or surfing the web?
It’s hard to have expectations of someone that we don’t have of ourselves. Frankly, it just doesn’t work. “Do what I say, not what I do” – that’s bunk.
One of the best things I ever did for my kids was go back to college. They were 4 and 8. They saw me parenting, running a house, being a wife, working, volunteering, studying and taking tests. They saw me getting straight A’s.
We have NEVER had a discussion about grades around here. In fact, if either kid gets less than an A…they come to me upset. (which of course, we discuss) I’m certain things would not have worked this way if they hadn’t seen me doing it. By showing them instead of harping at them, they just figured it out.
You don’t have to go back to college…you can get a book and teach yourself something, or take a class at the local college, or just set a goal and work at it. Or make your bed every day.
Don’t mistake what I’m saying by thinking I’m telling you that you need to be perfect. I think there is a far greater lesson for your kids if they see you try something and fail – and then pick yourself up and try again.
4 – Be the parent.
Someone has to be in charge. There can be discussions and sharing of ideas and lots of input from the kids, but ultimately, the buck has to stop somewhere. At our house, it’s with me. I am a benevolent dictator.
Our kids now have a lot of input into how things go and what we do, but they’ve earned that privilege. When they were toddlers…No. Way. There were rules. I can tell you how many stores/restaurants I had to leave because someone decided to throw a fit. Three.
One store, one family dinner, and one trip to an amusement park. I gave them expectations going in, they chose different behavior, and we left. Period.
Once, my son was warned on several occasions about a behavior and told if he didn’t change there would be consequences. He didn’t believe me. He left for an errand with his dad, and when he came home, there were zero toys in his room.
There was no yelling, no screaming. Just a discussion about behaviors and consequences. He was shocked that I followed through, more shocked to learn that he would have to EARN each one back. One at a time. But he’s never doubted me since.
Be kind, be loving, but be in charge.
5 – Learn from them.
Kids are really smart. I actually think we each get the children that are going to teach US the biggest lessons we need to learn.
The first day of preschool my son punched a kid. He said, “I don’t like that guy!” I was embarrassed and confused. He had to apologize and I lectured him about “being nice” to everyone.
A few weeks later, guess what? We found out that kid was a jerk. Yes, little kids can be jerks. All through that year, it was tough. That boy was one of the brattiest, most selfish children I’d ever seen.
My son knew that after meeting him for 20 seconds. I had a discussion with him about his ability to judge people’s character, and how, although he still shouldn’t punch people, he should follow that instinct.
Now, ten years later, he is an amazing judge of character. Not judgemental. Sometimes he brings home friends that are not great students, don’t play sports, or whatever might be my pre-conceived notion of what makes a “good kid”…they have ALL been the most polite, courteous, and fun kids. He doesn’t see color, clothing or GPA, he sees actions and intent.
That year of preschool taught me to trust my son when he says he doesn’t like someone. We need to be civil and respectful to everyone, but we don’t have to be friends. To judge people by their actions, and to make sure I’m choosing friends for the right reasons. To not jump to conclusions and react out of embarrassment.
Kids can teach us a lot of things if we are open to learning. And it’s good for them to see that they have that capability, so when it happens to you, share it with them.
That’s it. Really. Not to oversimplify parenting, but these five things are at the heart of whatever other methods you might hear or read about.
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